I decided I wanted to do a breakdown of "Bellow" by Eloi Eloi. The lyrics apply to my life so much, & I wanted to write out my thoughts. But as I sat down to write out a blog, I realized I hadn't had a quiet time yet today. For some reason, I felt like I should read Mark 4 & 5, so I turned there & started reading. It's crazy how God ties things together. Just keep reading... It's going to be a long blog, but worth the read, I think (:
"I am caught in a thunderstorm.
I've been caught in a thunderstorm before,
But not quite like this.
My sin weighs me down, like an anchor around my neck.
I've lost sight of the Father in this vicious hurricane."
I've screwed up. As the song says, I've dealt with storms before, but never quite like this. I became someone I hated & did things I never thought I would do.
Jump to Mark 4:35. Jesus is asleep on the boat & the storm comes. The disciples are terrified. "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" they cry. Jesus gets up, calms the storm, & asks, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Key word: still. How many times has God gotten me through the storm, & I STILL doubt?
Back to "Bellow":
"I can't succumb to flesh, I won't give in.
I won't succumb to flesh, I can't give in.
Oh, tame this restless soul & fill this breathless hole.
My Redeemer, Redeemer, take my eyes from me.
This storm captures my sight."
We all try to resist temptation. I had given in to sin so many times, even when I tried to stop. The storm captured my sight. All I could focus on was the shame of where I was, the confusion of how I let myself get to that point, & how hopeless the future looked. I prayed for God to take my sinful desires from me.
"I want You first. I want You last. For this I fight.
Wrestle my heart to the ground, Once lost, I'm now found."
It only takes an instant to go back to Christ. He wrestled with my heart, & even though I was lost deep within my sinful ways, He found me & brougth me back.
"Through this torment comes understanding,
& at the end of this storm Your promises reign true.
The wages of my choices end in death.
I can't give in, I won't give in to this weight around my neck.
I can't lift this burden on my own, not by myself."
I still struggle. Having a relationship with Christ does not mean freedom from temptation & hardships, but it does mean I don't have to deal with it alone. He's with me every step of the way.
Also, Christ blessed us with community. I have such a great support in my life. I have a wonderful Christian FAMILY who loves & cares for me, & I am so thankful for them. I'm thankful for KATHRYN for being the first light I saw coming out of that dark tunnel... for CALE, DOUG, & TYLER for being my accountability... for MOMMA BURROUGH for being my 2nd mom - for understanding how difficult my medical issues are, for the meals, advice, girl talk, & friendship... for BLAKE for never giving up on me, & being one of the best friends I've ever had... for LAKER for the spiritual leadership, the constant support & care, & the great friendship we've developed these past few weeks... & I'm thankful for REBECCA, REGAN, & WHITNEY - my battle buddy, my go-to girl, & my lifelong friend & sister. These are my 3 best friends, & the examples of Godly women Christ has placed in my life. With all of these people giving me Godly support, I am never alone, & my burdens are never mine to handle alone.
"Grant me sight beyond this world.
Let me touch Your cloak.
Grant me sight beyond this world.
I long to see Your glory once more."
Go back to Mark. Check out chapter 5, starting in verse 24. Jesus meets a woman who "had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors & had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better, she grew worse." Wow, sounds familiar. 5 doctors, 2 & 1/2 months, & a couple thousand dollars in medical bills later, I'm still weak, tired, & left without an answer as to what exactly is wrong with me. In verse 27, the woman touches the cloak Jesus is wearing & is immediately healed. Jesus says her faith healed her. I need her faith. God will heal me, & He will use all of these medical issues I'm dealing with for His glory. I've just got to have faith.
"I cry out towards the heavens. I cry out at Your feet,
Oh my God, let my heart be tuned to You.
Oh my God, I am for You."
This is my prayer.
La vie c'est belle. Dieu est glorieux.